Coming home from school today I was feeling pretty fed up with my 8th graders and frustrated at myself for the type of teacher I've been. I still haven't created a class room environment that is disciplined and organized in a way that both the students and I can depend on. I am not holding them accountable for their work or behavior because I can't find a way to make them see the kind of expectations I have (other than scolding, which I think I knew already wasn't an effective strategy). I'm embarrassed to admit that many of my 8th graders don't respect me. I don't think I am being walked over, but I can tell that they are not taking me seriously either. And when I don't know things like how long the breaks between classes are or the policy on giving homework, its easy to see why they wouldn't take me seriously.
I also feel embarrassed that my feelings are getting hurt when they are disrespectful in class because I know its a sign that I'm still immature. Immature enough to be hurt when a student snickers at my German, for example, or immature enough that I avoid walking home during lunch to avoid crossing paths with my students on their way to the train. And I'm embarrassed more so because I feel like I need to prove myself as a teacher at MLS. Both because of my age and because my lack of experience. I don't want to be seen as more immature than I already feel. I know 22 is young to teach in the United States, but I know plenty of people doing it. But teaching at 22 is unheard of in Germany. Its not possible even, because the "Lehramp" program takes at least 5 years.
So I'm publicly confessing all of my fears to you dear blog readers, whoever you are, and hopefully I won't regret doing so in the future. I actually do wonder about the people who follow the blog. The ominousness of your identities keeps me from saying everything I'm feeling, actually. Plus, the internet isn't exactly a private place.
Anyway, back to straws and blessings. Earlier today, I was "counting straws", but this afternoon, I am counting blessings. I feel dumb even saying that because its reminiscent of the blatant moral lessons in Bearstein Bears and 7th Heaven, but it made for a nice comparison to describe my day.
Monday is the busy day. The everything-in-one-day day. And today was capped off with a 9th grade Vertretung Stunde, too. I went home for lunch, counted some straws, drank some coffee. and then headed back to school for Center Stage, the English theater group. I always leave in a better mood than I come. So thats a blessing. So is Herr Wecht, a Hausmeister at the school, who somehow always knows when I'm feeling down (today) and pulls me into his office for chocolate. But the real turn around in my day, was running into a girl in my conversation class after Center Stage. We sat and talked outside the school for a bit before walking to the train station together. I think we connected so well because her parents are each from South Africa and England, but some how decided to live in Germany, and so like me, shares a piece of "outsiderness" (plus it helped that I was also raised on a number of odd British TV shows so we had some common history). Please don't be offended dear German readers, but it felt really good to laugh with someone about the oddities of German culture. And especially in uncensored English, at my normally (barely understandably fast) speed. It was just an unexpected blessing in my day and a very much appreciated one after the morning I had.
The weekend was full of blessings, too, which reminded me how happy I am to be in Germany. School is hard sometimes, and I am honestly looking for constructive feed back versus positive encouragement, but I have many things to be happy about.
Here are some pictures from the weekend:
On Saturday I took a sort of impromptu trip to Heidelberg to visit my former host family that I stayed with for 3 weeks in high school. My exchange partner visited me 4 years ago, and I came to Heidelberg 2 years ago, so the relationship is still strong. I'm really happy that it could work this weekend. Although my exchange partner wasn't home, I spent a wonderful day with her dad and brother. Props to Gunther for taking me all over the Altstadt to find Hausschuhe, Strumfhosen, Nagleknipser and Shampoo. I love visiting because he is always excited to take me places and do things with me. Even though Saturday's events were spent running errands, the day was special because we ate cake from one of my favorite bakeries, ate classic German food in an old Heidelberg restaurant, and walked around the Altstadt in the evening eating Eis. Knowing that I have that home in Germany is one reason why I don't feel homesick.
|Here's a picture of me from this weekend in front of the restaurant in HD|
|And this is me from March 2009 on my last night in Heidelberg at the same restaurant.|
I had another cultural experience this weekend in Fuerth. Here I am eating "Kochkase mit Musik"for the first time, and a glass of apple wine to go with it! For the past 7 weeks I have been asked regularly if I have tried Kochkase yet, an Odenwald speciality. Kochkase mit Musik means the cheese is served with onions. I can't say I'm totally on the Kochkase train.... but I think I could start liking it. I would describe it as sort of chewy, glue that you can eat...
Linda Johnke- guest teacher at MLS 10 years ago, now lives in Fuerth and invited me over for a Sunday afternoon baking adventure. It was great hanging out with Linda for multiple reasons. Despite having shared nationality and collegiate status, I really appreciated spending time with another former guest teacher who understands the experience I'm in. We also laughed about being goofy people in a country where the word "goofy" doesn't exist. Linda married a Turkish man, Mic (or Mik), who has lived in Germany his whole life and speaks fluent English. They have a 14 month year old son together who is going to be the master of three languages. So cool! Deniz (pronounced Dennis) was adorable and I regret not taking pictures of his entertaining shenanigans throughout the afternoon.
So life is good. But I need to start becoming the teacher I want to be. Which means doing the things you know you should be doing. And figuring out the things you don't know how to do. And correcting things on time. And planning in advance. And holding students accountable for their behavior.